I think I stopped trying. But the thing is I don't feel disappointed in myself the way I would be if it was years or even months ago.
It's a bit of a shock. I used to be so critical of myself. There was always that image of myself I believed I have to maintain.
I would go out of my way to appear a certain way. I would feel very anxious when I see things not going well. There's still anxiety I feel now, but it's just different.
I think the difference is that before, it would be followed by "it's the end of the world" kind of conclusions, but now, I can shrug things off. I can actually say to myself "so what?" If things go to shit, then so be it.
It's not that I like it now. I think I just found out that there are a lot of shit I can't help in life.
Life itself can't be helped. I am here. There really wasn't anything I could have done it differently in the beginning.
There are a lot of things that are not in my control and I just havet to accept that.
Getting older I guess was the solution I've been looking for all this time. Having things happen over and over again until it finally sinks in and that it's just the way it is. There's nothing much I can do about lots of things. It's pointless to think too hard about anything as if it fixes anything.
So now, I've stopped trying. I don't know if it's real confidence or delusion to be honest.
Whenever I think of a what if, my brain stops right there. Like it's just too tired to think of scenarios. It stopped thinking of solutions. I just let it happen. If it happens, I'll think of something. I can't think right now.
I guess I just got tired overall in life. Who would've guessed that getting tired would give me peace?
I don't expect too much from myself anymore. There are things I'm mediocre at and I'm actually okay with it. I'm not just putting myself down. I know I'm mediocre at some things. Some things, I'm decent, some I'm okay, some I'm good at at. And that's just the way it is.
I really couldn't care anymore if I didn't pass the checklist. I don't even believe in checklists anymore. I believe that we just make it up. Everyone makes up their lists. Groups make up checklists. Communities, societies, countries, cultures, cults, religions, families, schools, you name it. Everyone has some kind of checklist. Who has got the time to check it all off anyways?
I think that you become free the moment you realize that you can ignore them all and make up your mind about your own life. Make your own checklist or not have one at all. Live everyday differently. Wear the same cloth everyday. Whatever you think is right for you is the only way to live.
Fuck the lists. Just live the way you genuinely want. It's your life. Unless you're in prison or your life literally depends on someone else, you are responsible for your own life. So it doesn't make sense to hold up someone else opinions, beliefs and criteria, over your own.
So I gave up already. I don't try hard anymore to not be who I am.
I am who I am. What am I trying to prove to anyone? I know my story. I know what I think, what I believe. I know how I want to live my life. According to my own terms. I don't have to know every single detail on how I want it in five or ten years. I don't even have a plan in a week. But I know what I want now. And that's enough.
I just want peace. Choosing to be your own person is always the better option.
I honestly couldn't imagine living the same way I used to live. Who the hell was that person?
I guess I was just young and dumb and clueless. I guess life just had to happen and slap me in the face?